Friday, February 18, 2011

Help! I've Been Taken Hostage by a 2-Year-Old Terrorist

For the past several months, our family has been tormented by a miniature menace. He is a mastermind of terror, employing a myriad of methods to bully us and rob us of any sense of tranquility. As a public service, I will list some of the tactics of this sort of domestic guerilla warfare so that you may possibly thwart any tiny terrorists in your neighborhoods.

1)Sleep Deprivation. Our captor regularly wakes up during the night screaming for no reason. I have found the only way to combat this especially cruel tactic is to employ a little terror of my own by threatening to take the thug's blanket or "Deedee" away from him if he doesn't stop screaming. Turnabout is fair play, especially in war. The mastermind will also come into the room where I am nursing the babies and refuse to go back to bed until he is carried there. I am becoming much more adept at multi-tasking, but I have not yet learned how to nurse two babies while carrying a terrorist to bed. Maybe in time. On easier nights he just lays there quietly watching me. On less enjoyable nights he sits there and screams, forcing his victim to decide between a screaming 2-year-old or 2 screaming babies. To establish a feeling of total isolation for his victim, he gives the father a narcotic earlier in the evening ensuring the father's complete obliviousness.

2)Incomprehensible Demands. When employing this method, the terrorist will make it perfectly clear that he has demands but will make it perfectly impossible to decipher what those demands are. He will scream and yell total gibberish, such as nnnngah! nnnngah! until you give in to total despair, or, by nothing short of divine inspiration, you realize this means "warmed up" and that he wants his milk warmed up in the microwave. In the process of warming up his milk you will have to decode each demand as he insists on opening the microwave door, pushing the button to start the microwave (although he will insist the cancel button be used), opening the door, shutting the door, and then screwing the lid back on. You better pray no milk gets spilled in this process, because if it does, your captor may begin screaming and crying as though you've cut his arm off. You will want to cut your own ears off by the time he stops.

3)Constant Inconstancy. This method is often used in tandem with the one previously discussed. As you are trying to decipher the terrorists demands, you will guess what you think he is saying. For example, you may say, "Do you want me to put the candy cane blanket on you?" He will scream, "No!" So you will ask if he wants his SpiderMan doll, a drink, a kiss, a song, to sleep in the crib, to sleep in his bed, the night light on, the night light off, a piggy back ride, a story, the stuffed dog, the stuffed frog, the stuffed bear, the stuffed snake, and many many many more things. Finally just when you are about to collapse, you will ask again if he wants the candy cane blanket, and he will say yes.

3)False Security. Perhaps the most insidious of his ploys is the terrorist's ability to make you adore him more than you could possibly have imagined before you had children. You will love his hugs and kisses, the way he laughs and sings and dances and tells you that he loves you. And just when you are basking in the glow of your love for him, he will smack you right in the face with a toy sword.

He is a genius.


Kate said...

Terror indeed. My gosh. I am dizzy with the mere contemplation of what your days (and nights) are like.

At the same time, I am interested to learn that your two-year-old and my two-year-old attended the same terrorist training camp. We are frequently held hostage by his unintelligible demands, explosive tirades and random tantrums. I see that your two-year-old has also mastered the lowered eyebrow intimidation stare. I get that A LOT.


P.P.S. You're my hero.

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